Taking things one day at a time…

Sorry I haven’t been great at updating this site.  I was busy doing the normal things I do, despite some mild/moderate pregnancy discomforts (I was referred to physical therapy at 20 weeks, because apparently my pain wasn’t normal).

Aside from pain and lots of Braxton-Hicks contractions if I tried to do too much, the second trimester went extremely smoothly.   Matthew and I even took a “baby moon” trip to the mountains in the middle of October- one last getaway that was just the two of us.

As I transitioned from the second to third trimester, an issue started to come up:  my blood pressure.  As far as I know, I’ve never had an issue with it.  I’ve had occasional “white coat” syndrome- it would shoot up because I’m nervous at doctors’ offices, but within 5 min of sitting, it would be well within the normal range.

At first, it just seemed minor, and they weren’t too worried because it would always go back to normal within a few minutes of laying on my left side.  Unfortunately, the numbers started getting higher, and going down less when I’d lay down.  One day at work, I could tell my blood pressure was going up, so I stopped by the school nurse’s office.  She checked it, made a face, and checked again.  She immediately sent me home… so I made an appointment with the doctor.  I went in, and while it wasn’t as high as it had been at work, it was still up.  I asked if I’d be good to return to work the following day after resting, and the doctor told me that I was done with work.  I was placed on bed rest at 30 weeks.  I’ll be honest- I had a hard time following it.  I’d figure I can get a few small things done, then rest a bit.  Problem was, it kept going up.  I had lots of tests done, and they kept coming back normal.

At 32 weeks, I could tell that it was starting to creep up again.  I went to an appointment and my blood pressure was dangerously high.  They had me lie down, and it stayed high (I imagine because I was freaking out a bit at that point).  So- I was sent over to the hospital.  I had many more tests and scans, and was monitored for three days.  All of the tests came back in the normal range, and the whole time I was there, my blood pressure was completely within the normal range… go figure.  I was given a series of steroid shots for the baby’s lungs, just in case something changes and he comes soon.  All of the staff kept telling me that our goal is at least 34 weeks- then we should be good…  as uncomfortable as I am, I’m hoping for a few more than that! It’s so scary not knowing when he might come, and shooting for a survival point rather than term!

I went to a follow up at the doctor today.  They first checked my blood pressure, and it was high again.  Not a good sign.  They had me lie down for a bit, and again it was down to well within the normal range.  So- they’re still monitoring me and the baby- I have to go back for a NST in less than 48 hours.  I’m also still on bed rest, which is driving me insane.  At this point, they’re calling what I have gestational hypertension- but trying to make sure it doesn’t make the jump into pre-eclampsia (which is a scary idea- for both me and baby).  I’m thankful they’re watching us closely- I just wish I could be preparing the house, taking part in holiday activities, cooking, going for a walk and actually using my muscles…

 

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C’mon, January! (or December. I’m impatient.)

20wkus

I think it’s finally starting to seem real. I’m starting to realize that, before the end of January, I will (most likely) have a baby. I’m also realizing that the fear will never go away. Once the baby is actually born, I’ll have a ton of new issues! Goodness… too bad worrying accomplishes nothing, and is a waste of time and energy. If only I could make myself stop…

We had our 20-week ultrasound a week and a half ago. The baby moved around the entire time, and made it difficult to get measurements- but it also meant we got to watch him longer, which was nice. According to the doctor, everything looks normal- so that’s great news! He was measuring 2-6 days ahead on everything except for head circumference, which was measuring to the day. Apparently all of this is normal. It’s also odd to see a baby empty its bladder while inside of you….

A few days after 20 weeks, I started to feel some flutters that I could finally say was probably baby. These got stronger very quickly! Within a week, it got to the point that I could watch my tummy jump, and my husband was able to feel baby boy moving around! Thankfully, it seems like my anterior placenta is off-centered- which means that I can feel along the outer edge on one side of my tummy, and down low. I can’t imagine how amazing it would be if I could feel the movement across my entire tummy- I’d be constantly laughing and holding it! (All of this happened right after our 20-wk visit, where the doctor told us it would be a while before we could feel anything, if we did at all. When I said I hadn’t felt anything yet, she said “you won’t”. Go figure.) It’s also creepy to watch your tummy rise up on one side or the other, and not be able to feel it!

I’m having bad back/abdominal pain. I keep getting told by medical professionals that it’s normal- so I should probably relax more about it. I’ve been referred to physical therapy for the back pain- esp since it’s starting so early, and for my job I’m constantly bending/lifting/chasing kids around. Apparently this baby is being carried very low, which is contributing. A belly support band was recommended by the doctor (I told her I thought 20 weeks was too early for that because I’m not huge, but she said it should help)- I haven’t gotten one yet, because I have NO CLUE what to look for in one!

We’ve begun the baby registry process (babies r us, amazon), but again don’t know what babies really need. Hoping to find some good yard sales, and drag my husband to goodwill when he gets back into the country. Oh yeah- he’s gone for a few weeks for work. I’m not a fan.

So- any recommendations are welcome. I also know nothing about boys. Or being pregnant. And I’ve never held a newborn (well really any baby less than a few months old). Sooooo we’ll see how this goes.

Pregnancy fears

Sorry I’ve been MIA on both blogs. Since my last post, we finished the whole mortgage thing, closed on our first home, and moved exactly one month ago. Unpacking hasn’t really been happening though- Matt’s been working a ton, and while I haven’t been working, I haven’t had the energy to do anything.

So, yes- I’m still pregnant. And things appear to be going normally. I’ve made it to 17 weeks, and we learned a week ago that it’s a boy. In 3 weeks we go in for our big scary scan.  I’m just now reaching the point where I don’t feel like death!

After the first 3 pregnancies, I figured if I could just make it past where I had lost all of the others, I’d feel better about this one…

That point came and went, and I was still scared to death. So I figured, hey- once I make it through the first trimester, I should be good, right?

I made it through the first trimester. Also had the screenings done (blood test and NT scan), and those came back normal. We knew that the results of these would not have an effect on what happened with the pregnancy. We had them done because I worry.

I was still scared. I figured once I start feeling the baby kick, I’ll be able to relax more. Well, turns out this baby has an anterior placenta, so it could be a while before I feel anything strong. This is hard for me, because it’s what I’ve been most looking forward to (aside from the baby itself).

Now I’m at the “well maybe if we have a good 20-week scan, I’ll start feeling better about the pregnancy” point. But I’m still scared.

We haven’t bought anything yet for the baby, because I can’t bring myself to do so- and I feel so guilty. I pray all the time for it, and for less worry. It still doesn’t seem real that we should be bringing a baby home this winter.

I still constantly check for any sign of bleeding. Every few nights, I’ll pull out our doppler and listen to baby’s heartbeat, just to make sure he’s still alive. I find myself making comments about the future beginning with “if things work out-“, rather than “when-“.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but this is what I’m struggling with right now. I had a rough time the last weekend in July, which was when our first would have been due. Thankfully, I have an amazingly patient husband, who helps me deal with all of this. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to be pregnant (even though it hasn’t been easy), and for this baby.

Sorry- We’ve been distracted.

I haven’t had much to post on here in a while.  We’ve been pretty distracted with the whole building a house thing, and that’s being documented on my other blog.

There has been something else distracting us, but I haven’t been able to post about it on here.  Which is kind of dumb, because I shouldn’t have been afraid to.  I’m usually pretty open about things…

We’re pregnant!   …and I’m scared to death.

After 3 losses and 0 successful pregnancies, I feel like the odds aren’t in our favor.  I also don’t have any idea what it’s like to have a pregnancy that’s progressing normally.  I’m afraid to let myself get attached, and keep expecting the worst.

I feel bad for doubting this little baby so much.  Every time we go in for a scan, I expect the worst, and tell Matt all the bad things we could see- measuring behind, no heartbeat, etc.  We had a scan at 6 weeks, and it measured right on track.  We even saw a the tiny heart beating at 108 bpm!  That was great, but still early.  My symptoms kept coming and going, although I’ve been completely exhausted and nauseous since 5 weeks.  Just a few days after the ultrasound, I started to worry again.  I was scared to death 2 weeks later, when we went in for our 8 week scan.  Again, we heard a strong heartbeat at 167 bpm, and baby was actually measuring a day ahead!  I’m already starting to worry again… does it ever stop?

Poor Matt- Pregnancy has made me absolutely crazy. (Not just this one- my body is all kinds of confused after having 4 since November ’13!)  He has been wonderful, and does an amazing job putting up with me and my inability to do much of anything.

So- for now, we’re celebrating this life while we have it- and openly sharing the news.  We’d love it if you’d pray for us, for this tiny baby, and for my sanity!

So this is big…

We’re hoping to build a house in the Upstate.  This all depends on how the mortgage process goes.  If it goes as planned, we could be moving in sometime this summer (June / July)!

I’ve been pretty consumed with this for the last week… we had 7 days to schedule an appointment with the mortgage company and had to get everything together before doing so.  We went through that initial meeting earlier today, soooo- guess we’ll find out if this is actually happening in the next month or so!

If you’re interested in finding out how that is going, check this out.

Third time’s not the charm…

These posts are getting repetitive.  A few days ago, I felt weird.  That all-to-familiar weird.  That wait-a-minute, I should probably pee-on-a-stick weird.  So I did.  And wouldn’t you know it, I was right.  There were two lines again.  I sat there wondering what I should do, and I decided absolutely nothing.  I told nobody that I was pregnant. Not even my husband.  He’s been out of the country, so the last thing I wanted to do was have him worry too.  I decided I’d wait until he got home, if I made it that far.

I’m glad I waited-  because two days later, it was over.  Again.  That makes 3 times in 4 months.  Something’s not right.  I’m trying to find somewhere that will start some testing, because let’s face it- this sucks… and I’m pretty darn sure this isn’t normal.  (in case you’re wondering, I did tell my husband after it was over…)  I’ll be honest-  it was easier this time.  I think.  Maybe because this happened so very early (4 weeks).  Or maybe because I was basically expecting it.  Or maybe because I’m just numb to it now-  the damaged kind of numb, where it hurts but gets shoved down so far that you don’t feel it until the most inopportune times…  Soooo, yeah- if you know of any doctors up here that are good at dealing with recurrent early loss (a new group I didn’t plan to be a part of), be sure to let me know!

No surprise- I’ve been emotionally eating again.  I know I should break the habit, but-  I think this warrants some pizza and oreos.  Especially when I’m in a city hundreds of miles away from family and thousands of miles from my husband…

It’s ok though-  I’ve been more active recently.  Boot Camp kicked my bum.  In a good way.  I didn’t lose any weight (see above haha), but my body has definitely been changing.  In 4 weeks, I went from not being able to run a mile to running around 2.5- on my days off.  That’s right- me, running, with nobody chasing me!  (Now, I just have to figure out how to stop shin splints.)  I’ve signed up for another 4-week session, beginning in a week and a half.  We’ll see how that goes…

And now, to end on a random question:  How do people go on business trips all the time?  My husband is on his first, and it super-sucks.  He’s only been gone a week and a half-  which means it’s only half-over.  Ugh.  (My parents were awesome though, and let me spend Valentine’s weekend with them- at the beach- so I can’t complain about that!)

So- some things still suck.  I’ll admit- I’m having a hard time emotionally right now. I’m sure my confused hormones are contributing to that… But there are still plenty of good things going on, which I’m very thankful for- they’re keeping me sane (for the most part)!

Ouch, my body!

It’s no secret that the last few months have been rough.  When things are bad, I tend to make rash decisions or try to make huge changes trying to make things better…

So- since my half marathon training (a rash decision made after the first miscarriage) got put on hold during the weeks that I knew I was pregnant (I started to walk/jog more regularly, but didn’t want to push myself like the half marathon training required), I’ve had to defer it until 2015.

There went my motivation to get my overweight self into shape.

For whatever reason, I became fixated on my need to lose weight.  Since the first miscarriage, I’ve been struggling with self-image issues.  I figure if I can’t have children (which isn’t a known thing- just the conclusion my brain has jumped to for now), I should at least try to look ok for my husband.

Next rash decision-  thanks to groupon, I signed up for a fitness “boot camp”.   It began a week ago, and starts at 5:30am.  M/W/F.  Possibly the most exercise I’ve done in years.

I decided maybe I should get off my bum and move around before this boot camp began.  We had the Nike+ Xbox game sitting around unopened, so I decided to take the fitness test one Sunday night (after eating junk all week).  I felt horrible after it.  I did the first workout the next morning.  I might have yelled some not-so-nice things at the virtual trainer around 15 min in when he said “Great- now that you’re warmed up, let’s begin!”.  My husband laughed.

Around 3pm that day, I could feel my legs getting tighter.  The next day, I could barely move!  Holy cow I’m out of shape…  The following day, I was still struggling just to walk down the halls at school.  The most painful part of the day was trying to sit in chairs or get up- I opted to stand most of the day!  I managed to take the dog on a slow walk-  that was more than my body wanted to do!  I wasn’t ready for the next workout the following Wed. morning- still couldn’t move.  I then made myself run (/walk) the following Friday and Saturday before beginning the boot camp.  I think this helped me out a lot!

5:30am Monday came, and I made myself get out of bed (on a day off).  I survived the hour-long workout.  I had to laugh a bit when the warm-up was a 20 min run- that was what most of my workouts on my own had consisted of.  It was cold-  right around freezing.  Crazy part-  I was aware of slight burning in my muscles the next day, but I could still move!  Wed. morning came, and it was again cold-  around 20 degrees, so we worked out in a local parking garage.  Warm up consisted of running laps down 5 stories of the parking garage and back up.  Just had to laugh again.  The next morning I was very aware of my shoulders-  but could still function.  Friday morning was cold.  10-12 degrees.  Insane for SC.  We went running for the first half (to stay warm)-  my scarf and water bottle froze.  I decided it’s a darn good thing that this camp is at 5:30am- because my mind doesn’t realize what I’m doing yet at that hour!

While it’s difficult and I’m not exactly a morning person, I’m glad I started this boot camp.  It gives me something to do.  It makes me get off my bum.  It makes me push myself.  I can already see improvements in endurance and flexibility.  I’ve also become more concerned with getting into shape than how my body looks- so that’s a good thing!

Something else big happened over the last week…  we bought a car!  No more 2012 “spirited green metallic” Mazda 2.  Moved up to a 2013 “deep impact blue” Ford Escape (we got it used).  We really wanted more space, and wanted something that will hopefully make it around 200k miles.  So far we really like it!

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We had a great date night last night at the Melting Pot.  That’s become our go-to place after going to one for the first time while on our honeymoon in Gatlinburg, TN.

And you know what?  Right now, things are good!

Here we go again… (miscarriage still sucks!)

Here I was- back in the same room, talking to the same doctor that I had spoken to 6 weeks before about my miscarriage.  This visit had been scheduled last time to discuss possible fertility treatments and blood tests (he said that he had a hunch I may need progesterone supplements).

The nurse asked about my last missed period, and I told her it was the last time I was there.  She added up the weeks, and asked if I had taken a pregnancy test recently.  Funny thing is, I had.  The afternoon before.  And there were two pink lines on it.  However, one was very faint (again).  I took a test again in the morning-  the line was still there- no darker, no lighter… but digital was still saying negative.  That was starting to feel too familiar.  I just couldn’t let myself get excited.

She immediately left the room saying they would have to run a pregnancy test.  The doctor came in several minutes later, and told me that the test was blaring negative with only 30 seconds left to go.  He said he’d double check on it, but wanted to order a blood test to see if I was, in fact, pregnant.

Then, there was a knock on the exam room door.  A female told the doctor that a very faint line had shown up at the last minute-  it was positive!  The doctor still wanted to run blood tests for hcg and progesterone levels, and scheduled an appointment for another hcg test 3 days later.  He left, saying “Congratulations.”

I was thrilled.  Again.  For around 90 minutes…

Then I got a phone call from the lab.  My hcg levels were only 10.5 (which they said were very low), but my progesterone appeared to be ok.  My heart sank.  Three long days until I’d know if things are progressing or ending-  it seemed like an eternity!

I was absolutely sure that the same thing that happened last time was happening-  and I started to lose hope.

I went back to the doctor the following Monday, and got my blood drawn.  Amazingly, the numbers went up-  way up!  In 24-48 hours they wanted the numbers to at least double… mine went up 9x!  But they followed up with “come back for another blood test”.

I tried to hold off on getting excited-  but that didn’t work.  Finally-  this pregnancy seemed real!  The tests got much much darker.  The digital tests were positive.

We told our family members, and decided we’d wait a few weeks until we had our first scan before making it public… but it was pretty obvious when I was the only person at a new year’s gathering not drinking!

The week went on, and we were thinking about how much things were going to change.  We talked about our baby, wondering what he/she would be like, and how much our lives were getting ready to change!

I’d had some pretty bad cramps through the entire pregnancy, but when I asked someone at the doctor’s office if that was normal, their response was “it could be”.  Then, over the weekend, I saw some blood.  Thankfully, it seemed to stop by the evening.  Then, the same thing happened the next day- stopping that evening as well.  I called the after-hours nurse, and she didn’t seem too concerned- just recommended that I come and actually get seen by a doctor the following day.

So, because there was still some blood the following day, I called the office.  They had me come in early, and were still just going to give me a blood test.  I asked to actually speak to the doctor, because I knew that this was the end of the pregnancy.  I was concerned because this was our second miscarriage in two cycles.  It was a different doctor this time.   She told me not to write it off just yet- that light bleeding can be normal. The blood test came back, and my levels were way down.  So, that was that.  I go back in a week to see if my levels are back to 0.

This isn’t any easier the second time around.  I’m extremely frustrated.  I’m also extremely scared that this is going to happen again. And again. And again.  We were instructed to give my body a break for a few months, since I’ve had 2 miscarriages in 2 cycles.  So, here we are…

We could sure use some prayers!

Happy New Year!

There were some nice things that happened in 2013.  New jobs, moving, college graduations…

There were also some pretty major losses.

Overall, I’m thankful.  But I’m also ready for the new year-  I have no desire to re-live last year!

 

We (Matt and I, and a number of old friends) welcomed in the new year on Goat Island again.  It was wonderful to get to see so many friends that I don’t get to see nearly often enough!

Our break was spent traveling around the state, visiting various family members.  I’ve probably said this before, but I love our families!

I’ve also magically lost 5lbs over the holidays.  Eating amazing food / holiday goodies and losing weight?  Sounds good to me.  I’ve been trying to walk/run (ok- maybe more walk) no less than 7 miles a week- hey it’s a start.  Maybe I’m slowly getting into better shape!

Moving on…

I’d like to start this post off with a quick “Thank You!”.  Over the last two weeks, we’ve received so much love and support- I’ve been completely blown away.  My previous post went much further than I could have expected, but it has definitely helped with the healing.

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Matt and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday-  we traveled to Charleston and Clover with our dog in tow, fried a turkey, and visited family members.  Keeping busy was another thing that helped us (or at least me) cope.

I absolutely love the holiday season.  We now have the apartment decorated-  the tree is up, the nativity scene is out, and the animals are pretty sure we’ve gone crazy.  I’m finally regaining energy and feel like I’m mostly back to normal.

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Something crazy happened this morning.  I woke up, and I went running.  Well, if you can call it that- it’s what I was attempting to do.  I saw some photos taken of myself over the last few days and had another one of those “how did this happen” moments.  Then I did something even crazier:  I signed up for a half marathon- in 14 short weeks (there was a bit of persuasion from a friend doing it with me).

That’s right.  I-  the girl that can’t easily run a mile (or at all really) and has never run more than 3 consecutive miles (that happened once- years ago)- have paid the money so now I pretty much have to do it.  Oh- the other crazy part-  it’s in a city I’ve never been to that’s a 7.5 hour drive away.  Talk about a distraction…